If you’ve had a long-term suffering of stress and grew up frequently in a toxic environment, you might want to hear my story.
It was winter in 2005, I was in my final year degree in the University of Reading, UK. I had just finished chairing a meeting in college, I was then the President of the Malaysian Student Body of Reading. I had an argument with someone I cared about deeply and at the end of the argument, I became blind.
I am somewhat a high flyer. I have done everything right in my childhood and growing up, I was a reliable person. Be it family, friends or in my personal relationships. I’m known as “Kak Long Kawasan”. A nickname given to me as my role has always been as a caretaker. I’ve loved this role. I was forced into this role since the young age of 7, being the eldest sister in the family. And the head of a household with busy parents. I breathed this role. It’s also probably because I am molded into it so early, I don’t know any other functions a person should be, other than being ‘reliable’.
Blind for the first time, the only thing I could do was dial the last called number on my phone. She was a senior in University, Kak D. She sent a friend who could drive to take me to the hospital. I refused to be checked. I told them I think I’m just having a headache and it’s all just a blur now. I just wanted to take the night to erase the argument I just had. I didn’t want to deal with doctors. I needed to sleep. Kak D sent another angel to my halls of residence that night- this new girl, a Malaysian, a total stranger who came to see me and accompanied me to sleep the whole night. Making sure my symptoms were not detrimental.
I woke up in the morning with my eye sight back. That’s when I knew I was fine. It was just a random episode. Maybe even a delusion. A state of unawareness. I made excuses for my condition, because this very expensive university life needs to go on and I need to end it with a first class. I have no time to be sick.
I lived as a normal stressful person that I was. Balancing high expectations in life and the burden of a personal toxic relationship. Probably several toxic relationships at once. I am highly tolerant of nonsense. I am known to be accepting of many behaviors, I tolerate a lot of bullshit in life. I’m just built that way. I am stressed, but I am OK.
I didn’t get my blindness episode checked until 2years later, while I was working as a professional in London, I had a relapse. At 5pm when I was about to leave the office, I became blind again. I had just had another episode of emotional turbulence in a toxic and lonely life I was living. This time I brought myself to the hospital because I couldn’t breathe. I had a nervous breakdown and palpitations I thought I was going to die.
The NHS UK ran some blood tests and found that my prolactin levels were high. As a single woman, unmarried, my body was producing hormones as though I was pregnant. I was lactating. Actually, I had been lactating for 3-4years before we ran these tests. I had no idea this was abnormal. I thought it was pretty normal for women to produce milk, pregnant or not.
I was assigned to a specialist at the London Clinic, Dr Pierre Boloux. An Endocrinologist, for my raised prolactin. Based on what he reads of me (single, prolonged stress, depressed) he believes I may have created some pressure in the organ that is producing the hormones. The pituitary gland, positioned just in the medulla oblongata. So, a brain MRI was scheduled for me. The results confirmed it. My blindness, palpitations and anxiety are caused by a tumor in my brain – producing unusual amount of hormones that caused many imbalances. I was put on medication and mandatory psychiatric evaluations and treatments. I was diagnosed with prolactinoma and clinical depression.
Since the diagnosis in 2007, I felt hopeless. I was depressed and became even more depressed. The hormone imbalance made everything worse. I was sleep deprived, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t breathe. All of this while living alone in London, working a high stressed working environment. Building my career as a young 23year old. I was medicated, treated, therapized.
I was alone.
And the diagnosis, it just made it worse.
And the diagnosis, it just made it worse.